Believe it or not, I like to procrastinate. But I also hate it. It’s a tug-of-war on my emotions and at the end of the day its just me self-sabotaging. I know I can’t be the only one who feels this way.
Lately, the thing I’ve been procrastinating about most is the stuff that I NEED to do most. I’ve had a lingering ache to do yoga. Stretch. Flow. Breathe. Take in the sun. Listen to the ocean. I know it sounds so peaceful and wonderful, so why can’t I get myself there?
‘Till today. When I reached my breaking point. Last night, Sunday evening, I like to set business-oriented goals and personal intentions for the week ahead. This helps me to stay focused on how I want the week to go. I feel like I’ve been in a fog since autoimmune and digestive issues have been acting up for the past few weeks, so I decided I should take at least one self-care day this week. I told myself I will set up a killer high-intensity training circuit between classes/clients this morning. I ended up setting the room up with all the goods– battle ropes, slam balls, Bosu’s, TRX, resistance bands, sliders and more. I put on my go-to Hip Hop Replay playlist (thanks Apple Music) and blasted it through the speakers in the studio. I set my interval timer for 01:15 min of work with 15 seconds rest to bang out a quick workout ready and willing to break a huge sweat. I set the stage to fully be in the zone… but there was one problem. I. Could. Not. Get. In. The. Zone. I wasn’t present.
I started with the battle ropes. Everything was hurting, my face held SO much tension that I could not get into it. I screamed and grunted in frustration and didn’t feel any release. The timer bell went off. I dropped into a 45 second plank variation. Still was not enjoying the process (and I LOVE planks)…
Then I moved on to the next station. Still wasn’t feeling it. I was counting the seconds till I heard the bell… but not in a muscle-exhaustion kind of way. It was more of a “why am I doing this?” fashion. Then I did another plank I did not even want to do.
Before ya knew it, I was getting more and more frustrated that I wasn’t feeling it and I ended up stopping a few minutes in and collapsed on the floor in hysterics. Why am I feeling this way? I am here to work out and promised myself “me time” and actually followed through with it. What’s wrong with me that I can’t get into it? Why am I feeling so exhausted? I haven’t broken a sweat in days! Frustrated and sadness was the emotion, but what the heck was I feeling frustrated over?
So after I had about 5 minutes of these emotions, I had to pull my shit together and clean the room up to move onto my next client. I stopped through the Starbucks drive through to get a 2/3 decaf Iced Americano hoping that’d put me into a better mood (it kinda did, not gonna lie). I got to my next appointment 10 mins early and I had time to jot down some thoughts. I searched for paper and ended up just finding the cardboard from a Starbucks gift card (thanks) in my center console of my car and grabbed a pen.
On it I wrote: BUSINESS and ME.
Separated the two in columns by placing a line down the middle.
I wrote one goal for the day I wanted to achieve with my business and one for myself. It felt really good to separate the two and not feel like everything I am doing is work-related or personal-related.
After my client, I got back in my car and drove to a park on the beach which I enjoy. I didn’t call anyone to come meet me there, nor did I want to. I felt like I needed to be alone and figure out what it was my anger, frustration, sadness and body was telling me.
So I drove to the park and parked my car in the lot. With the car running still, I was consumed with my cell phone. Emails, texts, social media… all business-related. I had to take care of important things before I was able to shut my mind off and check-out for a bit. I had about 3+ hours between clients so I wanted to see where the afternoon would take me.
I grabbed my yoga mat from my trunk, gathered a few belongings and proceeded to walk around aimlessly until I found an area which called to me and claimed it for myself. I did a bit of walking and feeling out some spots until I found the perfect nook of sunshine, privacy, peacefulness and serenity.
I settled into what would now be the best spot in the park and soaked in the sunshine. I got off my phone (again) and started to move around on my purple mat with no specific intention or purpose. I just did what felt good for my body. I listened to the sound of the ocean, birds and background noise. I stretched my lower back. I opened my shoulders and chest. I released my hamstrings, opened my hips (which stores a TON of emotions) and found something… my breath.
Its been drowned in a pool of anxiety the last few weeks that I actually forgot what it was like to take a deep breath, hold it, and release it. Try it now. Count to 6 to inhale, count to 6 to hold it and release the breath slowly for another count of 6. I was not getting up from this mat until I made it to actually breath deeply (as I know I could do) and finally, after about 2.5 hours or so, I found it. And I was able to hear what I’ve been shutting down for a while. And I was okay.
This was after I released a TON of baggage from both my physical body but also my emotional body. I felt myself let go of so many emotions I’ve been so scared to feel for a while (hence: procrastination) and let it all go. I cried. I grunted. I let go and released. I cried again. I whimpered. I let go and released again. And I was okay. I had my breath to guide me through it.
What did I learn today? That little breakdown I had this morning after being frustrated with my body not doing what I wanted it to was my soul crying out for help. Giving it what it needed… and that was just an emotional release to reconnect to my breath in the best way I know how: nature. The ocean brings me peace (maybe its because I am a water sign), or maybe its the smell of the ocean. The crisp breeze of the air. Whatever it is, I waited a long time to feel the sense of peace I had today.
I learned that there are uncomfortable moments which may be short or long, but no matter what they are, they are temporary and I can work through them as long as I know my breath is there to guide me. So it took all of that to remind myself what I have been avoiding for so long– connection. I trusted the process to connect my mind and body to hit what my soul was craving for… reconnecting with my higher self.
Now I have made it my intention this month to do at least 20 minutes of meditation/yoga/stretching/whatever feels good for my body a day for the remainder of the month and I will check in and check back with everyone throughout my process.
Would this be something you’re interested in seeing on a YouTube video/vlog? Let me know in the comments section of my INSTAGRAM!